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Role of pride and moving the goal posts

I’ve been feeling very driven this last 2 years. I decided at the end of the last level of my course that my overall ambition was to create a graphic novel, and in the spirit of being more open about my work and making it happen, I started telling people that that was my goal.

The trouble with that is, it has turned out to be a much bigger undertaking than I was ready for. I have spent the last 2 years playing catch up, motoring through my coursework to try to get to the end game. Now that I’m ready to embark on that end game, I have thrown another layer of difficulty into the mix by wanting to work with 3d models rather than just a comic strip approach. Am I self sabotaging? Or is this just a bigger journey than I ever knew? Does it matter?

Is it the journey or process that is important or is it producing a solid item to put on the table and say “here it is, my graphic novel”?

As I ask myself all these questions, I’m wondering how much is pride coupled with the fear of being discounted and invisible.

Am I like the bloody tree in the forest that no one observes as it falls silently so therefore doesn’t exist???

My current plan is to break my graphic novel into chapter size chunks which conveniently exist in the comic book world as zines. It is a more realistic, achievable plan to aim to produce a series of zines. It is also open ended and flexible, zines can evolve, they don’t have to be identical in structure and format.

I still feel slightly embarrassed that there is no visible sign of my “graphic novel” (the holy grail!) but for that matter NO ONE has asked me about it “where is it?” etc, (except my neighbour and magazine colleague who has recently published her first (non graphic) novel). So I think I’m happy with the plan and just need to get over myself (again!)

As well as working on Chapter 2 (Zine 2) I need to rejig Chapter 1 a bit so I can take it around as part of my portfolio. I've rejigged my business card too.

Formerly "Chapter 1", soon to be Zine 1

And another thing…..pride stops me asking for help or using it when offered! Note to self: stop being an idiot!

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