I’m full of anger at the moment. There are a couple of triggers which can set it off (criticism of my recent vegetarianism, the patriarchy in general) but these are red herrings. The anger is deep inside, waiting for an outlet, a vent, like a pressure cooker needing some release. I have read about anger as an energy that can be harnessed destructively or positively and spent some time trying to work out where it’s coming from and how best to channel it.
After exploring a few blind alleys I think that I am in “teenage” mode. I was a “difficult” teen, struggling to differentiate into adulthood and like many teens, rejecting and challenging my parents. This was not navigated successfully in my case and led to a longstanding uneasy relationship with my mother until we reconciled, years later, through her grandchildren.
I’m still struggling with feelings of disloyalty about writing about family and I think I need this “angry” energy to propel me forward. So this morning I went into my “town office” (small independent coffee shop) and started work on my script for zine 2.
On another note, I received my assessment results from last years work. I've done fine (really well in one bit) so that is a relief. I'm not good at celebrating achievements and am wondering how to mark the event? I remind myself of collie sheep dogs who are apparently happiest when rounding up sheep, i.e. working. Maybe I should treat myself to an extra session in the studio? I'm kidding, I'm going to try and think of something. (I don't really like alcohol so that is an obvious route closed...)