Me agonising around stuff turns out to be a waste of time
I have already written one post for this week but events keep changing and I keep adding and rewriting and so now I’m starting again with more of an overview. (Without going into detail, they were; beating myself up, followed by an angry rant when situations played out further, I’m now settling down).
In summary, we have had a lot of family visits over half term and it was full on, hard work and lead me into a lot of thoughts and emotions. Some useful, some not.
One visit in particular was an emotional minefield, led to me agonising about my behavior, had I made enough effort etc etc, to then remembering that this particular person is DIFFICULT. Their behavior is always challenging and they trigger me in a number of ways.
My take home message: this is not the first time I have struggled to get along with this person and it will not be the last. Ideally I need to not beat myself up, disentangle my own trigger (childhood jealousy of my half sister taking my father away)
and sit it out. Support my husband in his relationship with this person. Cut myself some slack in the dynamics. Take the long term overview. I am one of MANY people who struggles with this person, this is NOT PERSONAL.
All those negative emotions are a useful learning place.
Naturally I have had a post visit migraine!
It’s all USEFUL LEARNING!!
I’ve just read a useful book “Women, Food and God” by Geneen Roth. She is also a fan of Pema Chodron and it was useful to read and be reminded how to practice meditating on all the negative emotions I was going through. In one yoga session I identified jealousy, rage and despair followed by exhaustion the rest of the day, rounded off the following day (today) with a migrainous head! Ha! It’s great being me!
Life is a work in F***ing progress, it is all good practice.
Just have to be “good enough”, not perfect.
And one last thought, I may not have brought resources such as a regular wage into my step family but I have brought resources such as understanding, empathy and emotional work. I have dug in and not backed out and without any overall gratitude or recognition (except from one family member, bless his cotton socks). This is my 100th blog post and it is actually quite nice that it has been an overview of me doing a rapid recycling and revisiting of some of the emotional dramas of the last 20 years of family life.