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Anxiety when good things happen

So we were successful with our bids for the piano!

We visited it and I played it, tried lots of others too. My piano tuner had told me I had to make sure it “felt right” as the feel would never alter although the sound would. I could tell it needed a bit of tuning, and it sounded quite muted? But I was always going for a more resonant than bright sound, more like my teacher's piano. It was hard to separate my own awkwardness from just any awkwardness with different instruments but as I wandered around the warehouse, looking at and playing other instruments I was aware if other people were looking at “my” piano. I knew in my heart that the little bit battered, not perfect instrument, was the one I wanted, imperfections and all. Bizarrely it had a long bit of masking tape stuck on a hinge which will need carefully removing, we’ll have to physically remove the lid to do it.

(Interesting observation:

as a visual person, the appearance of the pianos was as important as the sound, I know that a proper musician would see that as secondary, but not for me.)

The day of the auction was nerve wracking…..and then our lot came up, the bids went through and it was over in seconds / minutes and it was ours!

Today I have, not buyers remorse, but intense vulnerability about good things happening. I’m better at coping with “bad” things than “good”! I’m aware of feeling very anxious, even aggressive. Just in case you worry reading this, the aggression took the form of an argument, in my head, with another person about a different topic! I’m good at arguing in my head, it is very satisfactory as you take both parts and can redo, refine any comments to get it spot on! After a while I thought, hang on, why am I feeling so angry? And recognised it was all down to feeling vulnerable in the face of good fortune (it might all be whisked away or go wrong and leave me worse than before). Anger as a defence has stood in good stead for me over the years, but I need to let it go now.

There is a second element to this, fear of jealousy. If I have something good, will others be jealous and dislike me? That goes straight back to my mother I’m afraid, who resented so many things about me, but that is a very big topic, the basis of Zine 6 really.

So here I am, learning to enjoy the “good happenings" in life.

One final thought about the piano, remember how I had refurbished my old piano beyond its value? Well the valuer at the auction whilst talking to me about the “new” piano, mused that it had been refurbished 20 years ago very well, “the refurbishment must have been very costly, far more than the value of the piano”. So there is a nice synchronicity there!

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