I have a birthday coming up and as ever, I struggle with this. So much so that in my blanking out of birthdays I failed to ring one of my offspring on THEIR birthday. I was given a hard time about this. I tried to excuse myself with “I struggle with birthdays” but this wasn’t accepted as a reasonable excuse and I had to dig a bit further.
I recognise that I have put birthdays in a pill box bunker, I try to avoid them, not go inside, walk past as though they don’t exist. So last night I had to go inside and have a good look at what was there. Basically as a child they were not celebrated in any way. My mother would have fulfilled the duty expectations of a card and gift (that I didn’t particularily want and hadn’t asked for) but no party ever, a not very exciting cake at teatime maybe. I was very used to that, it was consistent with the way mum was with me and it was the same for my brothers. But the difficult thing for me was that I kept myself going with my “dad fantasy”. That he wasn’t with us but I WAS loved and special to him. Unfortunately he didn’t live up to this (in any way but noticeably with this) with gifts or cards for xmas or birthdays. I remember being in suspense every year at boarding school. Would a card come? Sometimes yes, not always. Eventually the hopefulness / disappointment became too intense. In order to keep the fantasy going, birthdays and gifts had to not exist for me. So in that bunker was a load of sadness, located in my chest, tearfulness and then anger and fury (my best defence then).
Well having had a good look around in there, I’m thinking that I need a new idea for a birthday.
It can be as quiet or fancy as I choose. Like going out for a meal. Do I want an elaborate, posh meal or just something simple and fun? The day will largely run as normal but there could be some nice bits that I choose (cake or no cake?)
There may well be bits that go badly due to other people (like that “friend” coming round and being unpleasant, a present I don’t like, a meal that isn’t as nice as expected etc), but these things are not in my control. But even so, I can handle them. No big deal.
Just an ordinary day with a few nice bits added, if I want.
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