I was woken by the sound of my husband knocking over a glass which smashed, in the bathroom last night. I realised what had happened, it was an accident, he was dealing with it, there was nothing to worry about.
But it triggered a huge wave of fear turning to anger in me. I’ve recognised this fear / anger before and I know anger can work as a very effective defence against vulnerability. But this time, I lay awake, remembering it as i experienced it as a small child. On a regular basis Mum would have nightmares. As a child I knew I could never go to her for comfort, there was none available, day or night, but this was her as the actual origin of the discomfort. I would wake to hear her thrashing about in her bed, raw, inarticulate crying out. Sometimes she would jump out of her bed and come into the hallway, shouting things like “Give it to me! You bad children!” It was terrifying. I would lie there silently and wait for her to settle back down. I’m pretty sure my anger developed as a way of squashing my terror down.
Anger is a natural human energy that acts protectively when you are under threat. But I would rather use that energy elsewhere as I am NOT under threat in the night. I am toying with the idea of going back to boxing as a useful way of dispelling it as well as good cardiovascular exercise! Only trouble is I am embarrassed by my quite frequent response to go into “crazy fighting mode”. I am useless at keeping a good guard up but the more tired I get the more I start packing punches. I become oblivious to possible injuries, I punch and punch. And although my arms are not particularly muscular or strong, I punch hard. It is disconcerting for me, as a woman. The instructor is always saying that “boxing is a way of controlling aggression” but I feel that boxing UNLEASHES aggression for me.
As yet I am undecided.

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