Chameleon /crazy Carrie

There was an article in the paper I read recently about autistic women being chameleons and “little psychiatrists”. Did they base the article specifically on me?? LOL

I identified as a chameleon figure a long time ago, just trying to fit in and keep my head down, below the parapet.  And I was that psychiatrist, hoping to learn about, understand and fix my dysfunctional family. Ultimately, of course, I became the only thing that I could usefully work on, and that became about ACCEPTANCE rather than fixing!

I recently met up with an old friend and reflected that when I am with her my chameleon mask evaporates. I am able to be my true autistic self. I think this is because she has 2 daughters who are on the autistic spectrum and so I don’t have to fit myself into any expectations of “normal”.  It was not a conscious decision, there was a bit of me observing myself,  surprising myself with the way I was behaving. Like a very enthusiastic, obsessive child.  Speaking without a filter or restraint and going on at length about stuff. We had very little conventional chit chat. We talked through our creativity, expressing oneself through work, and its tie up with difficult family history.

It was good, she is neurodivergent too,  says what she thinks without pulling punches. She doesn’t try to reassure or brush away difficult stuff. She may not necessarily be right every time but she gives her truthful, considered opinion.

And I find it very comfortable being myself, I may get anxious afterwards, my fear of rejection can kick in, but it is very freeing being myself.

And reflecting on it, I remember my mum once expressing that she liked me when I was enthusiastically going on about stuff. Mum virtually never expressed any liking for me so I remember it well! It is a very comforting thought, that it must have been a moment between us when I was being my genuine (autistic) self and Mum had liked that glimpse of the real me. A side of me that I am embarrassed about and tried to hide. In fact I am still quite careful about hiding it, usually defaulting to the more socially acceptable norms with most people.

I drew this picture of myself a way back and labelled it “Crazy Carrie” at the time. But it is actually a big part of me, full of energy and enthusiasm for my latest plan or obsessive interest, whatever it happens to be.