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Shifting and changing

I always want to start my posts by saying “well what a funny old week”, so obviously EVERY week is a funny old week. According to Pema Chodron, we should try and see everything and every day with a fresh childlike interest, as there is no solid ground that we can rely on, life is always shifting and changing as we are ourselves, always shifting and changing.

So one of the INTERESTING things last week was being summoned to a funeral of someone I knew of, who was a distant family member, but I vaguely only remembered meeting once in my life. So I felt manouevered into attending and decided it was the least disagreeable option to just go.

It was a bizarre experience, the close family were even baffled as to why I was there and I openly told them it was to see my aunt who had summoned us. My aunt is an old lady, who had travelled a long distance from abroad and I am fond of her. It may well turn out to be my last opportunity to see her. I think her agenda was to connect two parts of the family who barely know each other and I don’t begrudge her that, just think it is unlikely for us to take up with each other at this late stage. Anyway I enjoyed seeing and talking to her and it also made me reflect on my relationship with another family member who had also been summoned there. Seeing them in this random setting, out of the blue, I recognised that I am having to shift from the role I gave them in childhood, recognise that it was incorrect / inappropriate. I have always looked up to them (for support, advice etc) as they were older than me, but only because I could not rely on either of my parents. And seeing this person again made me aware of how foolish I was to cling to these childish leanings. The reality is that they could not / would not, support me climbing out of a paper bag! Nor should I expect them to. It is a sadness in me but time to let that unfounded, theoretical reliance on somebody else go. I still love and care for them but am trying to see them through my adult rather than my childhood eyes.

I also thought very clearly that they too have neurodiverse traits, somewhat different to mine, but that is something they don’t want to explore or recognise. And that is their business, not mine!

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