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Total chaos and I brought it all on myself

Everything is upside down in our house this week. We are making changes to our kitchen and we are now one week in. Only 5 weeks to go....We have a camp kitchen in our extension, the majority of our kitchen stuff has joined my piano and we are constantly trying to remember where we have put everything. I find it excruciating. The noise! The sudden very loud drilling! and the wifi has just been turned off again....

I have huge performance anxiety about playing the cello and piano in front of people and I’m having to do my practice in earshot of anyone and everyone coming into the house, a big challenge for my self conciousness. And yes, some of the builders have commented, as in “is someone learning the piano?” I wanted to reply “yes, its the 8 year old, she’s coming along nicely” but had to admit it was me.

It is an interesting learning process, observing myself being stressed. I felt physically unwell at times. The noise and presence of lots of people is very agitating to me. I got into full Octopus mode (non verbal, wanting to escape or hide) and went out for a long walk one day. I was incapable of using the time usefully and productively which was frustrating.

When the weekend came round and peace returned (although there was dust everywhere) my migrainous tendency kicked in. I didn’t have a full blown attack but was unable to think or do anything cerebral, just felt nauseous and had a permanent frontal headache. Annoyingly I was unable to catch up on any  music practice put off due to the drilling and hammering. I settled with mindless floor washing of plaster dust instead.

I’m almost embarrassed to complain though as it was ALL MY IDEA to have the work done.

Has Pema got anything useful to say? That discomfort and frustration with yourself is all grist to the mill. Acceptance of one’s own annoying behavior, stop beating myself up thinking I should be more robust! I should cope better!  I’m trying to take a different approach as in: interesting to see how the noise stresses me so much (thoughtful face emoji),  well I shall just have to do very little until my head settles, it is no big deal, etc etc.

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