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Weird week of ups and downs

Self awarded rosettes for my hospital visit

I think this week I shall give you a rundown of the various bits and pieces. And of course, that is life isn’t it? random ups and downs not connected with each other but just happening, some good, some not so good.

First up, journalling. Since reading my latest trauma book I’ve been following one of Dr Sarah Woodhouse’s instructions about journalling. It is a lesson in identifying feelings and emotions, tying them in with physical symptoms and noticing them pass and change. I thought I would give it a try and surprise, surprise, it’s been useful!

This has actually made all my emotions far more noticeable and obvious. A GOOD THING but exhausting. Incidentally, I discovered from wearing a glucose monitor that my energy dips are generally unrelated to my glucose levels. This means that they are mental or emotional dips and NOT HELPED by eating a sugary snack! We had a brief but draining visit by family members (involving small children) and I noticed how drawn I was to trying to boost myself with food treats, relieve stress with comfort eating etc etc. Even in the full knowledge that I wasn’t actually hungry or low on sugar. I managed to hold off on the crisps but the chocolate cake slipped down regardless! Sad face emoji! Something to look at more in the future I guess.

The journalling really helped me detach and separate myself from the stresses. I noted how I was picking up on some negative energies within the family. This was hyper empathy at work and no, you can’t “fix” everyone. None of this was useful. I just get hugely drained and no one benefits. On the positive side I at least caught myself doing it and took myself off to recharge and return in a cheerful, positive state.

The accompanying thoughts when I dig down? Fear of rejection as per usual. It’s getting boring how the same old, same old just recurs!

Second up, I had a follow up appointment with the surgeon to check my scar from the skin cancer removal which was all satisfactory and I was discharged from the clinic.

The actual experience was not actually a fun one, my bus was cancelled and I arrived late, the receptionist made it clear she wasn’t impressed despite my attempt to explain and apologise, the clinic running late and I hadn’t actually missed my appointment. In my fantasy of the ideal consultation the surgeon would have congratulated me on my good healing but his agenda was very different. It was quick, efficient and obviously a practised encounter:

Wound healed? Yes.

Right, this is how forcefully you need to massage your scar, four times a day, to get it to settle.

I may make your eyes water doing this (other people might call that crying with discomfort!)

You will need to look out for other skin cancers as they are more likely now you’ve had one.

You’re discharged from clinic but get back in touch if you find another one!

I’m not actually complaining, the nurses and the surgeon were all very nice and it was a satisfactory conclusion, medically speaking. Just different from how I would have liked it to go in an ideal world.

Final bit of news: I called in to the comic book shop to tell them I was putting a link on my blog to them and could they put my zines onto their website. The girl behind the counter casually told me that they had sold all my zines??! I’m still not convinced that it’s not a mistake and they’ve just mislaid them (emotions journalled: shock, anxiety, horror), I do struggle with positive outcomes, I’m better at preparing for the worst, but I recognise that selling them is a GOOD THING.

I’m going to have to drop some more off.

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