Well it actually went very well, the family visit. And I have to give myself a big pat on the back for that because the difference was that I handled MYSELF better. I took quite a lot of time out without feeling guilty. For example, the children didn’t have a bedtime (!) so I took myself off at 8pm, had a nice long bath and then tucked myself up with Netflix in bed. That way I got sufficient quiet, peaceful time that I needed each day.
I actually enjoyed the visit without getting caught up in any of the dramas and angst that flowed around. There was the odd dodgy moment but I think it was a success for all concerned! WooHoo!
I have also been reflecting on other things, tied up with my zines.
I have had to reevaluate my relationship with one of my siblings. I have had to recognise that my old perceptions of them, from childhood, were just that, childish, a fantasy / illusory relationship that got me through the dark times. But now we are grown up and I recognise they actually had different experiences from me, a different emotional take on things. They are a different person to the person I imagined they were as a child. A while back I gave them a hard time about all this, which now seems unfair of me. I thought I was being helpful, suggesting changes, but looking back I think I was wrong. They are who they are, and their childhood persona was their own protective response to the difficult circumstances we were in. In my opinion, they have many neurodiverse features, being so uncommunicative and not someone to turn to for support, and they can’t alter any of this.
I feel sadness, I found my illusion of myself and my siblings as a tight, mutually supportive team very comforting as a child. However there is a positive side to all this. I used illusions and imagination as a child and I survived. I had a tough time, maybe experienced differently from my siblings, but I SURVIVED, and I did it ON MY OWN.
I’ve been looking through old school stuff and found this. I started school and was asked to write a story about my holiday and this is what I came out with! It makes me laugh! My teachers must have subsequently made it clear that I was not meant to write this sort of stuff as all the rest of the little book is very “nice” with princesses and rainbows etc. My version of life has never been universally popular!
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