I had a visit from a family member over the weekend. It was good to see them and we talked for hours (really, hours). And it wasn’t catching up sort of talking but going into difficult areas. Without going into details, I am really hoping they can make some changes. They are shut away and closed down emotionally, years at boarding school not helping. At the moment they see me as being the one causing the difficulties, my behaviors and ways of being have altered and I have to be true to myself, even if others don’t like it. I have distanced myself from a relationship which was so emotionally empty. I really care deeply about them but I can’t carry on in the old ways, paying lip service just so they think everything is ok. My deepest hope is that they will try and explore things internally, try to open up a bit, recognise their part in it. I’m cautiously optimistic in that they initiated this conversation, but it is significant that it has taken them literally 4 years (following my mother’s death) to recognise that I had rather given up on them! Just to be absolutely clear, I am wanting them to shift from feeling hard done by because I’m not bothered about seeing them, to recognising what they might have done to cause that. I am making not a single demand regarding myself personally, just that they try and look at themself and how shut down they are, rather than thinking I’m just a meanie!
I really love them and hope that they can unfreeze a bit. One outcome could be a massive explosion of anger in my direction! But honestly I would welcome even that.
I always like to end on a positive note and the visit was actually enjoyable. One of the things I discovered is that they have found a teenage diary from years back! This is important reference material for Zine 5! I wouldn’t be putting anything actually from the diary into the Zine, but hearing entries
help fill out the overall picture. It was great to bounce thoughts and opinions about the protagonists around, I came up with a slightly different version of Nerys for example, one that made more sense. She has always been a larger than life, dominating person, but together we recognised her chaotic, impulsive nature being a driving force, rather than any machiavellian, analytic planning.
And here is a version of her, the ringmaster at the circus.