I always find the run up to Christmas challenging but it also gets easier each year. I used to have a melt down every October at the thought of 6 stockings to fill but thankfully those days are long past. This year we will be visiting family for the big day so we don’t have to be stressed about the food either.
As I’m getting older I’m experiencing the way time seems to speed up. Generally it’s not a good thing, rather a bit disconcerting but as this time of year is tricky, it is good to remember that the christmas period will actually flick by just like every week does!
It’s been ANOTHER good week. I’ve started work on my next zine, although I also feel that I still haven’t done nearly enough. The images today relate to that, quite abstract images from my sketchbook, when I was flicking through it, although done a while ago, it occurred to me that they relate symbolically to the stuff I want to portray.
Secondly, I have been thinking about making some changes in our kitchen and have been really enjoying thinking creatively about that.
Thirdly, and this is a weird one, an acquaintance spontaneously said how much they liked me, just an aside, off the cuff, light hearted remark. And I really struggled with this! It felt wonderful for that evening but almost too nice to think about and the next day I crashed with a migraine, brain fog, leading to extreme anxiety and low mood.
It is a childhood thing. A mixture of my difficult relationship with my mother and what I now recognise as my autistic stuff. At some point, as a child I decided that being liked was unnecessary to me. I didn’t WANT to be part of a big group of friends. I decided it was more important to be respected and possibly looked up to and I didn’t expect or look for liking. This is the second or third time this has happened spontaneously this year and each time it has caught me out. I think it is related to me dropping my guard / masking and showing my true self. Blimey, it IS nice being liked! It was much easier when I didn’t recognise that! And it makes me aware of a whole new layer of potential vulnerability (so triggers the fear and anxiety) and feel sadness for what I missed out on my whole life.