This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. I have made huge leaps forward, experienced happiness and contentment that I thought were a closed book to me (maybe I don’t feel happiness because of my autistic features I have wondered?) turns out I can feel them.
I have spoken previously to my piano teacher about my panicky perfectionism, common to many of us, I am sure. But then I shared how I had recognised that I had a fear of doing well at anything ingrained into me because my mother was always jealous. He was surprised and I told him that it was connected with my aunt, and suddenly I realised how disproportionate her response was to both my aunt and myself. Both of us are / were clever and good at stuff, but neither of us were child prodigies capable of mind blowing stuff. And I had ANOTHER weird new revelation, my mother DID NOTICE how well I did (at school, at art etc) but she always blocked it, never acknowledging it, in her dislike of potentially being outshone (by her sister and then by me).
Old emotions came up. Deep sadness with a covering of anger. First I had to sit with that sadness, yes, I did not experience a loving, caring mother, and that was not my fault as that child. And she was unable to change herself, she was fixed into a way of being that I could not reach.
But then, as I practised my music I felt a huge pressure lift off my chest. Suddenly I don’t need to be perfect or fear being really good at something. I am just an ordinary person trying to learn how to play, some bits will be very tricky, some bits will fall into place more easily. But no pressure or drive, it’s all just.....fun.
So, Just for the fun of it, I have been doing some printing. It has been a mixed bag of experiments. Some prints work, some don’t and that is the joy of printing. I can carefully plan a project but until I lift the paper I have no idea how it will look. This is all a work in progress, just like me!
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